I’ve been living in this horrible limbo for almost a year. It’s not got any easier to live with. It’s not got any easier to let you go. The fact that I will never see you again fills me with fear. My last moments with you trying to save you terrorises my every thought. My mind is not my own anymore it is stuck counting 1 and 2 and 3 1 and 2 and 3 screaming at you begging you to start breathing again screaming to the 999 person to hurry up begging them to bring you back once they got to you. Not believing that was it. But it was. My mind goes round and round. Stuck 1 and 2 and 3 1 and 2 and 3..... 5 mins before I found you I was roasting marshmallows with Reann in the fire pit in my garden. 1 and 2 and 3....... the never ending loop in my mind starts again. This is the torture I’m existing with and the hell of knowing you were so unhappy and I couldn’t save you. I’m your mum.... I shouldve saved you.