Been sorting xmas presents and Christmassy things for Reann to do. Trying to find the joy in Christmas whilst hiding how I really feel has become a task that I am a master of. I don’t want Christmas.... I dont want joy..... I don’t want presents.... all I want is ALL of my kids here Christmas Day. I know that can’t happen ever again.... but I’m hiding my pain and believe me it’s a real physical gnawing horrible pain and I’m getting on with the Christmas jolly that’s expected. Miss you so bloody much xxxxx